The Shire-The Little Known Story--The Soundtrack
by TookMugwort
Summary: Camelot (the Broadway one) proformed by Hobbits! NOT FINISHED...yet
1. I Wonder What That Sam Is Doing Tonight-...

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. Only my obsession, LotR figures, gerbils, glasses, books, etc. ONLY WRITTEN MY TOOK  
  
NOTE: I have not actually seen the proformance, but I might if it tours. This note and dislcaimer apply to all of it. For the purpose of this, Rosie is in love with Bob Underhill.  
  
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*musical intro, parade, etc. etc.*  
  
*Sam walks on stage, dressed in his normal hobbit-y stuff; the scene in outside Bag-End*  
  
Sam [sung/spoken to music]: I know what my friends are thinking tonight  
  
As home through the shadows they wander  
  
Everyone smiling in secret delight  
  
They stare at Bag-End and ponder  
  
Whenever the wind blows this way  
  
You can almost hear everyone say  
  
"I wonder what Samwise is doing tonight  
  
What merriment is Gamgee pursuing tonight?  
  
The lanterns in the hall, they never burned as bright  
  
I wonder what that Sam is up to tonight  
  
How goes the final hour as he sees the bridal bower being regally and legally prepared?"  
  
Well, I'll tell you what 'that Sam' is doing tonight  
  
He's scared, he's scared  
  
You mean that Hobbit who fought a spider, slashed her in two and mauled her hide-er  
  
Goes to be wedded in terror and distress?  
  
Yes!  
  
A Hobbit who's so calm in battle even his cloak doesn't quiver faces a female petrified with fright?  
  
Right!  
  
You mean that apalling clammering that sounds like a blacksmith hammering is merely the banging of his royal knees?  
  
Please!  
  
You wonder what Samwise is wishing tonight?  
  
He's wishing he were in Buckland fishing tonight  
  
What occupies his time while waiting for the bride?  
  
He's searching high and low for someplace to hide  
  
And, oh, the expectation, the sublime anticipation he must feel about the wedding night to come  
  
Well, I'll tell you what that Sam is feeling tonight  
  
He's numb, he shakes, he quails, he quakes  
  
And that's what that Sam is doing tonight! 


	2. The Simple Joys of Hobbithood--by Rosie

*Rosie is riding through the woods on a little white mule, singing sweetly*  
  
Rosie [sung]: Saint Bracegirdle, Saint Bracegirdle  
  
It's Rose Cotton, remember me?  
  
Saint Bracegirdle, Saint Bracegirdle  
  
I'm over here beneath this tree  
  
You know how faithful and devout I've been  
  
You must admit I've always been a lamb  
  
But Bracegirdle, Saint Bracegirdle  
  
I won't obey you any more  
  
You've gone a bit too far  
  
I won't be bid and bargained for like 'shrooms at a bazaar  
  
Saint Bracegirdle, I've run away, eluded them and fled  
  
And from now on I intend to pray to someone else instead  
  
Oh, Bracegirdle, Saint Bracegirdle  
  
Where were you when my youth was sold?  
  
Dear Bracegirdle, sweet Bracegirdle  
  
Shan't I be young before I'm old?  
  
Where are the simple joys of hobbithood?  
  
Where are all those adoring, daring lads?  
  
Where's the boy pining so for me  
  
He follows a ring-bear' for me?  
  
Oh, where are a Hobbit's simple joys?  
  
Shan't I have the normal life a Halfling should?  
  
Shall I never be rescued in the wood?  
  
Shall two boys never tilt for me  
  
And let carrots be spilt for me?  
  
Oh, where are the simple joys of hobbithood?  
  
Shall I not be on a riverboat  
  
Worshipped and drooled over?  
  
Not be carried off or, better still  
  
Cause a little war?  
  
Where are the simple joys of hobbithood?  
  
Are these sweet, gentle pleasures gone for good?  
  
Shall a feud not begin for me?  
  
Shall kith not kill their kin for me?  
  
Oh, where are the trivial joys  
  
Harmless convivial joys  
  
Where are the simple joys of hobbithood? 


	3. Shire--by Sam

*Sam is walking through the forest, when he finds Rosie sitting under her 'tree'. They get to talking and Rosie starts talking about how she's worried about The Shire. Sam laughs and the music begins*  
  
Sam [sung/spoken to the rythum of the song]: It's true! It's true!  
  
The Thain has made it clear!  
  
The climate must be perfect, all the year...  
  
A law was made a distant moon ago here  
  
July and August cannot be too hot  
  
And there's a legal limit to the snow here  
  
In The Shire  
  
The winter is forbidden 'til December  
  
And exits March the second on the dot  
  
By order summer lingers through September  
  
In Shire  
  
Shire, Shire  
  
I know it sounds a bit bizarre  
  
But in Shire, Shire  
  
That's how conditions are  
  
The rain may never fall 'til 'fore sundown  
  
By eight the evening fog must disappear  
  
In short, there's simply not a more congenial spot  
  
For Hobbit-ever-aftering  
  
Than here in the Shire  
  
Shire, Shire  
  
I know it gives a Hobbit pause  
  
But in Shire, Shire  
  
Those are the legal laws  
  
The snow may never slush upon The Hill's side  
  
By eight PM the moonlight must appear  
  
In short, there's simply not a more congenial spot  
  
For Hobbit-ever-aftering, Than here in Shire. 


	4. Follow Me--by Saruman

*Saruman in his 'wizardly robes' is leading Gandalf off to Merlin's eternal sleeping cave, the Crystal Cave--I mean, Orthanc*  
Saruman [sung in a high pitch]: Far from day, far from light  
Out of time, out of sight  
In between Bree and sea we shall fly  
Follow me  
  
Wet the rain, cold the snow  
Where the winds always go  
Follow me, follow me, follow me  
  
To a tower by a Shire shore  
Where we'll walk through an ebony door  
And for thousands of breathless evermores my life you shall be  
  
Only you, only I  
World farewell, world goodbye  
To your home 'bove the sea you shall fly  
Follow me  
  
Only you, only I  
World farewell, world goodbye  
To your home 'bove the sea you shall fly  
Follow me  
Follow me, follow me, follow me. 


	5. C'est Moi--by Bob

*Bob is standing on the Brandywine Bridge, looking toward the Shire*  
  
NOTE: C'est moi is French for "Is I" which doesn't transulate into Elvish, sadly  
  
Bob [sung]: The Shire, The Shire  
  
In far-off Bree I heard your call  
  
The Shire, The Shire  
  
And here am I to give my all  
  
I know in my soul what you expect of me  
  
And all that and more I shall be  
  
A hob' of the Mayor's guard should be invincible  
  
Succeed where a less fantastic lad would fail  
  
Climb a tree no one else can climb  
  
Cleave a spider in record time  
  
Harvest a field in coats of heavy leather  
  
No matter the pain, he ought to be unwinceable  
  
Impossible deeds should be his daily fare  
  
But where in the world is there in the world  
  
A lad so extroardinaire?  
  
C'est moi, c'est moi, I'm forced to admit  
  
"'Tis I", I humbly reply  
  
That Galfling who these marvels can do  
  
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I  
  
I've never lost in kitchen or game  
  
I'm simply the best by far  
  
When fires are heat'd, 'tis always the same  
  
One taste and au revoir  
  
C'est moi, c'est moi, so admirably fit  
  
A Bree-er FÃ«anor{1} unbound  
  
And here I stand with valor untold  
  
Exceptionally brave, amazingly bold  
  
To serve the Mayor  
  
The soul of a guard should be a thing remarkable  
  
His heart and his mind as pure as morning dew  
  
With a will and a self-restraint that's the envy of evey saint  
  
He could easily work a miracle or two  
  
To love and desire he ought to be unsparkable  
  
The ways of the pipe should offer no allure  
  
But where in the world is there in the world  
  
A man so untouched and pure?  
  
C'est moi, c'est moi, I blush to disclose  
  
I'm far too noble to lie  
  
That lad in whom these qualities bloom  
  
C'est moi, c'est moi, 'tis I  
  
I've never strayed from all I believe  
  
I'm blessed with an iron will  
  
Had I been made the partner of EÃ¤, we'd be on Earth still  
  
C'est moi, c'est moi, the angels have chose  
  
To fight their battles below  
  
And here I stand as pure as a prayer  
  
Incredibly clean, with virtue to spare  
  
The holiest man I know  
  
C'est moi  
  
--------------------  
  
{1} I know FÃ«anor was an Elf, but I nedded a famous Middle-Earthian 


	6. The Lusty Month of May--by Rosie and the...

*Frodo's belated Birthday party...in May. The Hobbits are dancing when Bob does...uh...well, I'm not sure what, but something to make Rosie hate him. She starts singing, not knowing he';s there*  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la, it's May, the lusty month of May  
  
That lovely month when everything goes blissfully astray  
  
Tra la, it's here, that shocking time of year  
  
When tons of little wicked 'shrooms merrily dis'pear  
  
It's May, it's May, that gorgeous holiday  
  
When every maiden prays that her lad  
  
Will be a cad  
  
It's mad, it's gay, a libelous display  
  
Those dreary vows that everyone takes everyone breaks  
  
Everyone makes divine mistakes  
  
The lusty month of May  
  
Rosie [sung]: Whence this fragrance wafting through the air?  
  
Random [spoken]: Mushrooms!  
  
Rosie [sung]: What sweet feelings does its scent transmute?  
  
Random (sounding strangely like Merry) [spoken]: Hunger!  
  
Rosie [sung]: Whence this perfume floating everywhere?  
  
Rosie [sung]: Don't you know, it's that dear forbidden fruit  
  
Merry (okay, so it WAS Merry) [spoken]: Forbidden? Awwww...  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la la la la, that dear forbidden fruit  
  
Merry: *sniffles*  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la la la la  
  
All [sung]: Tra la la la la  
  
Rosie: Tra la la la la  
  
All [sung]: Tra la la la la  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la  
  
All [sung]: Tra la  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la  
  
All [sung]: Tra la  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la la la la la la la la la  
  
It's May, the lusty month of May  
  
That darling month when everyone throws tater seeds groundward  
  
It's time to plant a tastey thing or two  
  
And try to make each precious day one you'll always love  
  
It's May, it's May, the month of "yes, you may"  
  
The time for every frivolous whim, proper or im-  
  
It's wild, it's gay, a blot in every way  
  
The bats and bees with all of their vast amorous past  
  
Gaze at the human race and gasp  
  
All [sung]: The lusty month of May  
  
Rosie [sung]: Tra la, it's May, the lusty month of May  
  
All [sung]:That lovely month when everything goes blissfully astray  
  
Tra la, it's here, that shocking time of year  
  
When tons of little wicked thoughts merrily appear  
  
It's May, it's May, the month of great dismay  
  
Rosie [sung]: When all the world is brimming with fun, wholesome or un-  
  
It's mad, it's gay, uploft in every way  
  
Those dreary vows that everyone takes, everyone breaks,  
  
The lusty month of May! 


End file.
